


Cycle

by EdamamiTomoe



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: BPD Kousaka Honoka, Vomiting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 04:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12740664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdamamiTomoe/pseuds/EdamamiTomoe
Summary: Honoka's self destructive cycle.





	Cycle

Muse Group Chat  
Honoka: yay, i actually did my homework tonight!  
Kotori: yay Honoka <3 you did it  
Umi: About time! I was wondering if you were going to copy my homework in the morning again.  
Kotori: aww, don’t be so hard on her, umi-chan! you know how honoka-chan is with homework!  
Eli: Honoka, if you ever need help with studying, you can always just ask me for help, you know.  
Honoka: its fine, really! i dont wanna be too much trouble u-u  
Rin: its not trouble, honoka-chan! i always ask nozomi-chan to help me with my homework!  
Nozomi: did you mean “laze around and nya until I washi washi you into doing your homework”?  
Rin: nyaaaa =u=;; its not like that!  
Hanayo: don’t pretend like you’re not into that, rin-chan! i hear the kinds of things you mutter in your sleep!  
Eli: Ara ara ~  
Rin: kayochiiiin!! D:  
Honoka: rin-chan has some dirty secrets!! O:<  
Rin: im pure!!  
Nozomi: that’s what they all say ~

Texting all of her friends from school while lazing about in bed late at night always made Honoka so happy. The way that they talk about things, fool around, flirt around, it’s like they’re all right here with her, in her bedroom, having fun together. Well, Kotori was actually there, in Yukiho’s room, helping her with her homework, but just having everyone together like that really made a difference.

Maki: Wow, I spend half an hour studying for the exam on Friday, and I come back to 87 unread texts.  
Umi: Isn’t that pretty normal for this group text at this point?  
Honoka: maki-chaaaan ~  
Rin: maki-chan nya!!  
Maki: Hey guys, just wanted to pop in to say hi, I’m going to go to bed now.  
Nico: aw, so soooon? aren’t you gonna stay around for a bit with your favourite senpai? <3  
Maki: No.  
Eli: Ouch, shot down.  
Nico: D:  
Nozomi: i’ll gladly keep you company for however you want, nicocchi ~ <3  
Kotori: you’re probably just going to give her the washi washi again, Nozomi!  
Nozomi: shhhh  
Maki: Anyways, good night now guys, see you tomorrow at school.  
Hanayo: good night maki-chan!!  
Rin: night nya ~  
Honoka: sleep well maki-chan!

Even if she was just staring at her phone, relaxing in her bed, Honoka still loved spending time with her friends this way. They always made her feel so welcomed, so loved, so cared for, and seeing them happy like this always reminded her of why she worked so hard for them every day. Managing student council, organizing the Muses, everything. She loved all of her friends so much, and cared so deeply for them, that seeing them happy every day was all the motivation she needed.

Umi: Speaking of good nights, shouldn’t you be getting some sleep as well, Honoka?  
Honoka: ehhh? why just meeeee?  
Umi: You always get up so late, it’s quite troubling how Kotori and I have to check up on you every morning just to make sure you’ll be up in time for school!  
Umi: You really should start going to bed earlier.  
Honoka: thats not truuuu  
Eli: As the student council president, it will be a good idea to get plenty of sleep and save your energy. You do have a lot of work to do!  
Honoka: but i dont wanna sleep yeeeet  
Nico: sheesh honoka, you’re such a big baby  
Maki: I could say the same to you, Nico.  
Nico: didn’t you go to bed???  
Maki: Shit.  
Hanayo: maki-chan, language!!

Though she was elated just a minute ago, Honoka suddenly felt her heart sank. It was as if her entire body was suddenly plunged into icy waters, a chill overcoming her and covering her in goosebumps. She curled up in bed, and pulled her blanket over her, though she knew that that wouldn’t do anything. The coldness was coming from inside, from her chest, nothing external could warm her up when she’s hit with another moodswing.

She tucked her phone under her pillow and closed her eyes, curling up like a baby. She had absolutely no reason to suddenly feel so depressed. Umi and Eli were right, she really did need to get more sleep, especially since usually after she texted goodnight to everyone, she would stay up for another hour or two. And yet, completely harmless words, that were obviously typed with care and concern for her wellbeing, has made Honoka feel like she was nothing but unwanted.

Pulling her phone out from under her pillow again, Honoka quickly brought up the group text and read over what she missed. Which was really not much, other than everyone else continuing to flirt and play around and having fun. Just as they were before, a few minutes ago. It was as if Honoka’s presence there really didn’t make a difference, as if she could have simply left the group text, and everything would continue function as it always had. Everyone would continue to have their fun, and they probably wouldn’t even notice she was gone.

Of course, that’s a bunch of nonsense. Everyone’s always telling Honoka what a close friend she was to them, how much she meant to them, how much she brightened up their day, and whatnot, and she’s always been happy to hear them say that. And yet, now, she simply couldn’t believe any word of it. After all, how could she know if they were simply saying that, just so they can deceive her into thinking they cared about her? How could she know if her friends were simply keeping her around because she was convenient, because she was easy? She wouldn’t. She could text everyone for validation as many times as she wanted, and she didn’t think she was ever going to feel any comforted by their words at all.

How could she, after all? Just look at the way everyone else was getting along even though she had stopped responding. Even at school, Honoka really was just a burden on everyone else. In Muses, it wasn’t like she’s the only one capable of being a leader, of organizing things. In the student council, she couldn’t even pretend to be the most capable member, despite being the president. Her friends, all of them, Rin, Hanayo, Maki, Nozomi, Nico, Kotori, Eli, Umi, they really could do without her, and they’d be just fine.

Honoka tucks her phone away under her pillow again. She didn’t realized she had begun crying, and that she was leaving a wet spot on her pillowcase. Oh, what was new. It wasn’t like this was the first time. This was practically every night, by now. She always started out the day happy, excited, affectionate, and then late at night, her mood would always suddenly drop like this, and she’d cry herself to sleep. And when she woke up in the morning, she’d feel all better again, as if nothing that happened the night before mattered. It was a stupid cycle that was always forgotten during the day and painfully remembered at night.

Ugh, to make it worse, her stomach was acting up again. Every time she had a moodswing like this, Honoka always felt sick and uneasy. Maybe purging would make her feel better. Who was she kidding, she always purged, every night, whenever she felt like this. It started off as a curiosity, wondering, hey, if I ate bad food, vomiting makes me feel better, what if I vomit the bad feelings away too. And now it was a habit that Honoka couldn’t break out of. Even if it didn’t make her feel any less depressed, it at least could relax her body enough to put her to sleep afterwards. Sure, it wasn’t healthy, but at least it wasn’t drug or alcohol addiction, right?

Slumping out of her bed, Honoka quietly made it out of her room, and down the hallway. She didn’t want to be a burden and distract her sister and Kotori from their studying or chatting together or whatever they were laughing about together. Probably laughing at her. Honoka wouldn’t be surprised. Quickly enough, she made it into the bathroom without incident, and closed and locked the door behind her.

Pulling the toilet lid up, Honoka stood over the bowl, and leaned forward. Opening her mouth, she stuck two fingers in, and pushed down hard once she found the part of the tongue that was especially tender. The gag reflex kicked in, and made her lurch forward a bit, her abdomen tightening up, and heaved. And heaved again, but nothing came up. Honoka wished she was better at vomiting, like those girls she saw in those adult videos, but regardless, she was willing to bear the terrible pain in her chest, and keep going.

Pushing down again, this time hard enough that her fingers were deep down her throat, Honoka once again heaved. All that came up was gas and the stench of stomach acid, so she pressed down even more, holding her two fingers in place and forcing her gag reflexes to go the entire way. Finally, she felt her dinner surging back up her esophagus, and spewing out her mouth in a torrent of brown, watery vomit.

Most of it made it into the toilet bowl, but some of it splattered onto the toilet seat. Nevertheless, Honoka kept going, pressing down on the back of her tongue once again, until even more came up. And more, and more. It was an absolutely exhausting endeavour, but Honoka didn’t stop until she felt starved, her stomach emptied of its contents, stomach acid and all, until she had gotten all of that sickening feeling out of her system. Her body drained of energy, she simply remained standing there for a moment, panting and gasping. 

After a few minutes of simply regaining herself, letting her energy flow from her abdomen and chest back into her limbs, Honoka reached for the toilet paper, and began cleaning herself up. She wiped away any remaining vomit on her lips, her chin, her fingers, wiped away her snot, her tears, and then wiped down the toilet seat. It was a routine she was all too familiar with.

Once she was done, Honoka figured she might as well wash her hands and head back to bed. She was probably still going to cry herself to sleep again, but it didn’t matter. It was the only thing she could do at this point anyways, she wasn’t going to feel any better. Even if she did, it was just going to start all over again tomorrow, and tomorrow will simply end the same way, rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Nothing was going to change.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to end differently.


End file.
